Agony and Heart
by WolvesMoon777
Summary: Richie is struggling after the return to Derry. Drunken nights and agony is all the accompanies him. But suddenly he’s back in Derry as a kid after the first time facing Pennywise. Maybe things could be different this time.


Loud screams fill my ears.

But they are different from what haunts me. These are cheers, screams of joy. All because of me.

Ever since I returned from Derry things have been different. There's been a hole gaping inside me.

I thought once I took on more acts and shows it would go away. Alcohol has been my only relief- and hell that only lasts a few hours before the hole grows bigger.

I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

"Richie?" A voice cuts through my thoughts and I'm snapped back into reality. For a moment I feel like I was punched in the gut. An echo of a voice filled my head. I shake my head to clear my thoughts when I realize where I am, backstage at one of my acts.

"What?" My voice is gruff and I feel my eyes well up for a brief moment.

"I said good job tonight. You really got the crowd involved- hell they are still cheering and shows over!" Donald, my manager. He's got a huge smile, so big I'd swear he'd explode. A shiver runs down my spine, I see his face contort. Bright white paint and red lines. Pennywise. My breathe is fine and I close my eyes.

He's imprinted his way into my life and even though we killed the fucker I don't think Ill ever get peace.

After I moment I recover.

"Yeah. Well fuck, I'm going home." I say a small smile for Donald's sake.

"Oh, alright." He pauses smile fading, "do you want to grab a drink? Something to eat?"

I shake my head,

"I'm not into that sort of thing.." I can see his face turn into a frown and disappointment washes over him.

"Oh."

"Sorry man." I quickly walk away leaving him. I know it's rude but hell I'm one fucked up dude and I can't share that with someone else.

The ride home is a blur. Memories crash through my skull leaving the hole bigger than ever. Once I arrive to my apartment I'm left sobbing.

My fingers grip the wheel and I collapse forward into the steering wheel, my body shuddering with my agonized cries.

My lungs constrict and I feel as though my chest is being crushed, and I gasp for breath.

"FUCK." I scream hitting the horn loudly. "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." My throat is growing raw but another wave of anguish sends more convulsions.

"Ed." His name slips through my lips and suddenly I'm numb.

I see him. I see him laying with me on the hammock. His stinky feet in my face. I see him in the Chinese restaurant, for the first time in 27 years. That feeling, that warmth and remembrance. I see him, agony on his face as I put his arm back into place. His cries had nearly made me sick. I closed my eyes and shook my head violently. It needs to stop here. Please.

But then I'm there. Laying on the cavern floor. Cold and shaken up.

'Richie!' His voice in my head.

"No!" I scream out loud.

'I got him Richie! I got him!' I remember the brief joy that flooded through me, it was over, he did it.

And then the sound. The blood splattering on my face.

'Richie.' His shocked voice- choking on blood.

"No! Fuck you! Fuck you!" I screech throwing my self out of the car onto the asphalt.

I'm back in reality. I look around my breaths shaky. Cool air freezes the tears on my cheeks.

"Fuck." I whisper, my body exhausted and tingling. This happens almost every night, at least the nights I'm not wasted.

I trudge up to my apartment, just focused on making it there without puking or passing out.

After what feels like an eternity I make it. Fumbling through the door I throw my keys on the table and grab a bottle of bourbon. My fucking savior.

Shit burns like hell but I take a long swig anyway. I slip on a zip up hoodie. Taking a moment to hug it to me.

It was his.

After Derry I met up with Myra, asking for some of his things as evidence in his disappearance

I lied to her- so fucking what. She knew he was missing, but how the fuck do we tell her he's...

Cops won't ever find a fucking thing. The secret dies with us. Just like the fucking memory of that fucking clown.

I take another swig and shudder.

Myra told me this was his favorite. Now it's mine. It still almost smells like he did. Well mostly like hand sanitizer and clean clothes, but that's exactly what he wanted.

Before I know it I've drunken half the bottle, and fuck I felt it. My head started to spin. But the hole was filling. With burning fire. My stomach aches but I can't stop. I can't feel this FUCKING agony anymore.

I take another chug almost gagging on it.

I just need to sleep. I need to fucking sleep.

My eyes close.

"Eddie. Why'd you fucking leave me you sloppy bitch?" I slur before everything grows dark.


End file.
